Burn Our Houses Down [Book One] Read online

  My dad’s fist lands him square in the jaw, and Xavier grips the armrest to steady himself.

  “Stop it, Dad!” I scream.

  “Keep your mouth shut Hayley! You know, I don’t even understand why you’re here either?”

  I can feel the anger flood to my face and burn in my throat. “I’m here because I am part of this family!”

  “That’s news to me!” he yells taking a step towards me.

  Xavier stands between us pushing my father back with a hand on his chest; my mother’s grip struggles to keep me on the couch.

  “How could you say that to me! After everything that we’ve been through. After Cassie—”

  “Yeah, and who’s fault is that?”

  The silence that follows makes my stomach churn. I look into my father’s eyes hoping that I heard something wrong. But I know I didn’t. I let out a quick gasp, and my vision goes blurry with tears.

  “If it weren’t for you, she’d still be here. She’d still be alive, getting ready to marry this asshole,” he points an accusatory finger at Xavier. I swallow the bile that tries to make its way up.

  “I wish it was you who died that night,” he yells. “You were practically dead to all of us already.”

  It’s silent except for my mom’s sobs. I can’t even cry because a few minutes ago, I was thinking the same thing. It sounded nicer in my head than when my dad said it. I look up at my him and can’t see the slightest bit of remorse in his expression whatsoever.

  His nostrils flair which I can only assume is in disgust, and he turns stiffly and storms out of the house.

  “Don’t listen to him, please my little pumpkin,” my mom says over and over again. I look over her shoulder and watch Xavier’s face turn red and the water brim along his eyelids.

  What happened to this family, Cass? I wish I were with you instead of on this couch.

  Blood On My Hands

  My mom leaves me on the couch around noon. I fell asleep for a little while, but it was mostly filled with visions of Cassie pinned between the ground and roof of the car, or Cassie screaming, or me in Cassie’s place. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep peacefully.

  I can smell garlic and know that my mom’s making my favorite dinner—garlic-alfredo penne with mushrooms. I haven’t spoken since my father left four hours ago. Xavier sits on the living room floor trying different channels on the television; none of them have worked.

  “There’s some movies upstairs in the girls’s room,” my mom calls out from the kitchen.

  He sighs and heads to the stairs. “Can we watch Casper,” I ask.

  Xavier jumps at the sound of my voice. He turns and nods; it was all the three of ours’ favorite movie when we were kids.

  “Hayley, you want something to drink?” I hear from the kitchen.

  “Yeah, anything would be great thanks,” I call out. I push myself up on the couch and pull the ice off my knee. The swelling has gone down significantly since I last looked at it, but the bruising is so dark it makes my stomach lurch.

  “You ok?” I hear from the archway. I look up and see Xavier with the VHS of Casper in his hand and my old teddy bear from ages ago in his hands.

  I shake my head.

  He walks over to me and sets down the movie and bear on the ground. “What’s wrong?”

  I point at my knee in response. His hands are warm when they graze my skin. I look out of the corner of my eye watching to see his reaction; it’s uncomfortably smooth.

  “Is it bad?” He shakes his head no, and I let out a sigh.

  “You might actually not have a tear at all.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah,” he says nodding his head. For some reason I can’t explain, a wave of sadness rushes over me. I blurt an apology faster than I can stop myself.

  “Stop, Hayles,” he says closing his eyes. I can’t help the urge to keep saying it though.

  “I am though. I yelled at you when everything you were saying was right,” I say grabbing his hand. “All you’ve been doing is trying to help me, and all I’ve done is been a piece of lead on your back. I know that you’ve been trying to get me out of my funk that I’ve been in since Cassie died. It’s probably harder to look at me in the face because of how much we looked alike—”

  “And act alike,” he adds in. I bite down on my lower lip and close my eyes for a minute. He gets up and puts in the VHS and hits play. When he comes back, he hands me my tattered teddy bear. I smile at it, thinking back to when I first got it.

  It was at the Fireman’s Fair in town. It was behind the high school that year, and I remember there was so much mud because of the rain that poured down the day before. The workers couldn’t run half the rides because they were sinking into the fields. The only ride I managed to go on before they started closing them down was a slide where you rode on a potato sack. Xavier dragged me over to one of the carnival games, the one where you have to knock the milk bottles off the podium. He pointed at the light brown teddy bear with a giant red bow on it.

  “Do you like him?”

  I nodded my head and smiled.

  “What can I do for you kiddo,” the man behind the counter asked.

  Xavier placed a five dollar bill on the counter and said, “I want to try for the bear, sir.”

  I smiled and looked down at my feet. I was nervous for him. Nervous that he wouldn’t get it and that it would make him spend all his money.

  “You sure you don’t want more than one try?” the man asked.

  Xavier shook his head. “Just one.”

  I covered my eyes when he picked up the ball, and then, I heard the metal clang of the bottles falling. When I opened my eyes, the man was handing him the teddy bear. Xavier handed me the bear and smiled.

  “Don’t be sad anymore. Ok, Hayles?” I nodded my head.

  The wispy letters of the name Casper fill the T.V. screen, and I smile slightly. But the happiness doesn’t last long. “I just wish I knew what to do to make it up to you.” He nods his head and then looks up at me.

  “I know how,” he says. “I get to ask you one question, and you have to answer it completely and truthfully. But I won’t tell you when or what it will be.”

  “Can I get a hint?”

  “No, no, no—that’s not how it works,” he says. “Promise me you’ll answer it.”

  I nod my head.

  “Say it.”

  “I promise,” I say.

  My stomach drops after the words make it past my lips; I’ve made a horrible mistake.

  Hunting: 10:37P.M.

  Hours pass before my dad shows up at the house. The front door swings open banging off of the wall.

  “Honey, can you help me at the door?” my dad calls from the door.

  My mom runs to the front door, and a look of shock appears on her face. “Where did you get that thing!” She’s clearly disgusted by whatever it is my father is carrying through the front door.

  “I’ll explain everything once I get this inside,” he says.

  There’s no anger in his voice anymore.

  “Xavier,” my mom calls out. I hear his footsteps move upstairs. He flies down the steps and tucks his hands in his pockets when he sees my father in the doorway.

  “Uh, Mr. Henderson,” he says nodding his head.

  “Hey kiddo, gimme a hand with this,” my dad says.

  What the hell? Kiddo? You’ve got to be kidding me.

  Xavier stutter-steps and then begins helping my father bring a large black plastic bag in through the front door. From here, I think I see an antler poking through on one side, but I laugh it off. My dad has always been against hunting. He believed it screwed up the natural order of things—this coming from the guy that could go through about fifteen steaks in a week and say it’s because humans are omnivores and need meat. I think part of the reason I stuck to a vegetarian diet was to piss him off.

  They throw whatever it is in the bag down on
the dining room table. I crane my neck around to see, but my dad stands in the way.

  “What is it,” my mom asks.

  “It’s a deer. One of the guys at the station gave it to me,” my dad responds. “He killed one this morning and knew I had no clue what was going on here.”

  I frown at my dad’s words, and I can see Xavier flash me the same look. “What’s happening, sir,” Xavier asks.

  “What’s with the formality?” my dad laughs. “Call me Peter, Xavier. We’re both grown men.”

  “Right, uh Mr. He—Peter,” Xavier answers.

  I don’t know what happened in between now and when my dad left, but something is off in his cheeriness. He’s normally nice, but he seems like a cookie-cutter shape of my father now.

  “Well, anyway, I went to the station, and everything was in complete chaos. Apparently, a mass-looting happened the other night and every store in town has been cleaned out,” my dad starts.

  “What?” I call out. My dad jumps at the sound of my voice, and then, smiles when he sees me.

  “You scared me, Hayles. I’ve gotta get used to you being around again.” He comes over and helps me to a chair in the dining room. Blood from the deer drips from the table, and I gag.

  My dad laughs and continues talking. “So anyway, we’ve launched a large-scale investigation to see if we can find the perps who did this, but we came up empty handed. Not a single blip of information for us or evidence for a lead,” he says.

  I miss this version of my dad. He used to tell us stories almost every night he came home. Whether it be a wild goose chase, pun intended, or something funny a criminal said, he always would have something to say. But since Cassie died, he’s lost that side of him.

  “So there’s no food in town?” Xavier asks.

  “None in the entire state to be more exact,” my dad comments. “The only thing we have, thank the lord, is gas. The pumps were untouched.”

  Xavier nods his head in agreement. “So, anyway,” my dad continues. “I figured you’re handy with these type of things, Xavier. Do you want to explain how to butcher one of these?”

  He smiles and helps me back to the couch, making sure to ask if I needed anything first. I shake my head no, and he tucks me in. My mom brings in some food to me from the kitchen and sits with my legs on top of hers.

  “So, how did camping go,” she asks.

  I laugh, “You figure since I’ve been a vegetarian all these years, I’d love nature or something.” My mom smiles in response. “It didn’t go in my favor.”

  “Xavier asked me if it was all right that he took you up there,” my mom says.

  “Why?”

  “Because he thought you were angry at him,” she laughs. “We all thought you were mad at us when you left.”

  I feel the guilt pour down in heavy sheets. I already knew Xavier wasn’t happy that I left, but it never occurred to me that everyone else was upset too.

  “I could never be mad at you guys,” I say. My mom strokes my hurt knee gently and smiles.

  “You can and you have, but whatever the reason you left is yours. You can tell anyone why on your own terms,” she says.

  She smiles again and watches another movie that Xavier put on. I try to eat my food, but I lost my appetite quickly after my mom’s comment. “I’m sorry, Mom,” I say after a while of playing with the mushrooms in my pasta.

  “Shh, eat. You look much paler than I’m used to,” she says. I shovel down a forkful and then continue playing with it until my dad comes back in the living room. My mom tenses when she sees his uniform completely soaked in blood.

  “Oh my god,” I hear her whisper.

  “Alrighty, I’m gonna hit the hay,” he says. “I got a big day at the station tomorrow.”

  My mom and I nod, and watch him walk from the living room.

  “Deer’s all cut up,” Xavier says, startling both me and my mom.

  “Oh wonderful, I can cook something out of that I’m sure,” my mom says. “I’m going to bed too. The trip wore me out.” She kisses my forehead and carefully maneuvers her way out from under my legs. When her footsteps disappear, Xavier takes her place and lifts my legs gently.

  “We’ve got to talk,” he whispers.

  I frown and ask, “About what?” His face is completely pale in the dim light from the dining room. “Are you ok?”

  “The deer, Hayley,” he says. “It had bite marks in it.”

  Not really that strange; an animal that was killed in the woods has bite marks on it. I shrug my shoulders to show him I didn’t really understand.

  “Human bite marks.”

  After The Ashes Settle

  My fork clatters to my plate, and I can feel my jaw drop.

  “They were in different places all over the deer. But the main one was in the throat,” Xavier continues.

  “But he said one of the guys at the station shot—”

  “Hayley, I’m telling you, unless the deer was shot through his eye socket, there was no way that’s how it died,” Xavier says cutting me off. “That deer was killed because it bled out. Whatever, or whoever, it was bit that deer in the main artery in its neck.”

  A thin layer of sweat forms on my forehead, and my throat squeezes. “Maybe, my dad—maybe the guy at the station didn’t know—”

  Xavier squeezes my hand. “I’m sure the story got jumbled along the way,” he says. “Try not to think about it.” I feel a rush of calm flood over me—his voice always did that for me. “Want me to carry you upstairs?”

  “Where are you gonna sleep?” I ask. Cassie and I shared a room all the way up until I left. Our room was still set up almost the same way it was when we both still lived there, but now instead of two twin beds, there is just one full size.

  “I can take the couch,” he says smiling. I feel my shoulders slump, but I try my best to keep a straight face when I talk.

  “Yeah, I’d like to sleep in a bed.”

  “Aww come on! You survived when we camped!” he says.

  “Like I was a bunch of roses the morning after that,” I say faking a laugh.

  He picks me up and walks up the stairs quietly. He lays me down on the bed and tucks me in, propping my leg up on a pillow.

  “Did you want something to drink or anything?” he asks. I shake my head. “All right then, goodnig—”

  “Wait, stay,” I say. He shuts the light off and walks over to the bed.

  “What’s up,” he says.

  “I didn’t leave because I was mad at you,” I say. He sits silent on the edge of the bed; I can feel all the weight on his feet, like he’s ready to run at any second. “I’m sorry I made you feel like that.”

  He sighs, kicks off his shoes and lies next to me. My heart sputters before thumping at an unhealthy rate. I cannot believe he’s laying down next to me, and I didn’t have to beg him to stay—or drug him.

  “What are you doing,” I ask.

  “I can practically hear your mind thinking right now,” he says laughing. “So I’m sleeping in here tonight so you can stop thinking that I’ve been hating you ever since you left and have secretly been planning to make you miserable.”

  I laugh, “That’s oddly specific.”

  He nudges my shoulder. I can barely see it in the dark, but I know he’s smirking. It’s quiet for a while and my eyelids start to close.

  “I really missed you, Hayles.”

  “I missed you too,” I whisper.

  “What happened to us,” he asks after another extended silence.

  I let out a long sigh. I want to blurt out so bad that it was all because I loved him. But I loved him with the worst timing. Cassie and him were perfect together, and I was just never going to be that for him. I look at him now, and all I can feel is the sadness every time he sees my face; like a faint echo that can only be heard if you listen hard and long enough.

  That was the one part I hated about being a twin; it wouldn’t b
e so bad dating him if I wasn’t the splitting image of my sister. We looked exactly alike until Cassie bleached her hair.

  Summer after summer of lifeguarding kept her hair that glossy blond after that. But besides that, we were the same person on the outside. While Cassie got more outgoing, I fell into the more comfortable role of non-existing. Then, I fell even faster into the role of third wheel.

  “I went through a lot in college and then losing Cassie,” I figure I’ll just leave it at that.

  “Yeah me too,” Xavier says.

  The response catches me off guard. I try to find Xavier’s expression in the dark, but I feel his hand graze the side of my face. “I know it seems like you’ve been on your own for everything,” he continues. “And what your dad said today wasn’t fair at all. No one blames you for what happened with Cassie—”

  “That’s not true,” I say. “I blame myself. And I’ll blame myself everyday of my life.” He squeezes my hand, and as much as I want to keep holding on, I let go. “I killed my sister. We’d been through everything together. We graduated from kindergarten together, won our first track meet together, had our first drink together, and the only thing that sticks above everything else, is that—is that we didn’t die together.” Xavier gets under the covers and puts his arm underneath me as I shake violently.

  “You’re forgetting one thing, Hayles,” he whispers. I try to control the shaking which only makes it get worse. His hand reaches under my chin, demanding my full attention. “I lost all that too.”

  Day Three

  The morning light barely illuminates my room through the fog that covers my front lawn. My eyelids don’t open easily; the entire day’s adventure finally is taking its toll on my body. I reach over on the other side of the bed feeling for the warmth of Xavier’s sweatshirt, but it isn’t there. My stomach knots, and I withdraw my hand back under the covers.

  I should’ve known he wouldn’t stay; him loving me the way I love him is absurd.